Every Day I'm Hustling Page 12

  And get ready, because everybody comes to you with “great plans.” I had some guy hint at that just the other day in an email: “You know, I’m really trying to get my clothing line business off the ground, but I just don’t have the resources…” I wish him the best, but I didn’t even respond to him. I read it and said to myself, Dude, I guess you’re gonna figure it out like I did.

  It is so much better to invest in a real charity. For me, giving back is therapeutic. You have to have some time when it’s not about you or your career. I have been involved with Best Buddies for over fifteen years, after being introduced to their work by my friend Carl Lewis, the Olympic champion track runner. Best Buddies helps people with intellectual and developmental disabilities find job opportunities, housing, and one-to-one mentors. It’s my kind of organization because it creates self-advocates and puts people to work. When you see these amazing, beautiful people become so happy over being able to have an apartment, work, and engage in the world, it makes you want to invest in them. I don’t have special needs, but I know how hard the struggle was when I left home at seventeen to start my career. These worker bees have the same happiness I have about being able to wake up in my home and go out to do work that matters to me.

  I am so proud that I was able to raise $70,000 for them while I was on Celebrity Apprentice. I remember while I was doing the show I took some kids from the program to lunch. Seeing their smiling faces, I thought, I am going to make you some money. By the way, if this book helps put you in a position to hire people, please, please look into Best Buddies’ jobs program. The organization will give you the support you need as you present someone with an opportunity for work and independence. Trust, you and your business will be rewarded as you witness this person’s passion, ability, and motivation.

  Put your hard-earned money in an organization like that, not some lazy cousin’s new car.

  2. Stand still and the snakes will reveal themselves.

  Not everyone is so happy to see you so happy. I have learned a valuable lesson about letting people tell you who they are. If you stand still and take a moment to really look at your relationships with people, the snakes will slither around you and reveal themselves.

  Think for a moment about your friendships. Are there some underminers in your midst, actively trying to keep you from succeeding? The saboteurs are not always the obvious ones, but I find they show themselves when we are making positive changes in our lives.

  I had one girlfriend who I used to hang out with a lot, and the end of every meet-up was like a weary sigh. One time I was driving back home from a dinner date with her, and I realized she always left me feeling more negative about myself than positive. If I didn’t get a job, oh, she wanted to really examine that crime scene. Make me feel like I was robbed, but ask a lot of questions about what I thought I did wrong. Suddenly, a small gig that I wasn’t the right fit for was like some huge loss. But if I was excited about a project, really bursting to talk about it, she’d start talking about herself or say something like, “Girl, all this work stuff—I don’t know when you’re going to find time to meet a guy.”

  She used passive-aggressive comments to make me feel small. We need to be cheerleaders for each other. When you hang up the phone with your friend or leave a brunch, the spirit has to be “You got this!” The impulse was to cut her out, but instead I took a break from her. It let me examine why I was seeing so much of her. I realized it was comfortable. We had a script, and the dialogue was tired.

  I find these negativity folks to be the most common type of underminers. The truly bad ones, who I have zero time for, actively tell you that you won’t succeed. Sometimes people in our lives like to beat up our egos because they think it keeps us in our place. I can’t have that. If someone goes out of his or her way to make you feel anything less than special—I am talking blessed and highly favored—shut that down. Let’s run a drill:

  “Don’t be thinking you’re special.”

  “No, bitch, I am special. And I’m fabulous. And if you don’t get it, get away from me.”

  Because we all need to hear compliments. I’m not saying that we’re all needy for assurance. You gotta have some confidence in yourself that when you put yourself forward, you’ve got faith in yourself and your talent. But especially if you’re in the business of performing, if that person—a friend, a colleague, a lover—isn’t a source of support and positive reinforcement, you might want to think about that.

  You deserve the best. If your best friend is not your rock, your ace boon coon that’s got your back like no other? Drop them.

  3. Don’t let someone ruin your workplace.

  Do you have a snake on the loose in your office? My condolences, but we’ll get through this. These are the coworkers who are all smiles talking about wanting to hear your ideas—because we’re all working together, right? Then they take the good ones and shoot down the ones where they won’t be the hero.

  I was working with this one gentleman who was in over his head on a production. He acted like the president of the Vivica Fox Fan Club, always saying he wanted my opinion—that is, until I actually gave my opinion. I offered a constructive suggestion on how he could speed something up to avoid overtime on set. He felt threatened, and boy, did the real him come out.

  It didn’t surprise me, but it was disappointing. I normally would have argued with him and all that. But I sat my ass down and instead of wasting words on him, I spoke to myself.

  Let me tell you what you are gettin’ ready to do, I said. This is not gonna stress you out. You gonna sit your butt down, play your position, and stay in your lane. Watch this unfold, and when it starts happening where he’s paying overtime, then he’ll know what you tried to tell him.

  Sometimes you have to let people fall on their faces if they don’t want to take your advice. Don’t argue with them about what you know is going to happen. Just sit back and relax and enjoy the show.

  There’s a phrase my mama uses for letting people find something out the hard way: “They don’t think fat meat greasy.” Fat meat is greasy the way the sky is blue. And you can deny a fact all you want, but once you bite into that fat meat, you and your hard head are gonna know.

  Sometimes holding your tongue is the best offense and defense for a jerk at work. I worked with one actor who was just nasty to people on the set. He demeaned newcomers and treated production assistants like personal attendants. And so I simply stopped speaking to him. I didn’t say a single word to this actor unless it was in dialogue. He got the message right quick, and he later approached me at a party and apologized.

  If you have someone like that at work, try to have as little to do with them as possible. If you have advance warning that this person is trouble, imagine you have garlic and a crucifix, and keep them away from the get-go.

  A lot of my girlfriends tell me stories about these “Whoops, did I not cc you?” types in the office. You know why they don’t include you. They’re cutting you out of decision making to weaken your influence in the office, or they are likely presenting your idea as theirs. With them, you have to drag them into the town square right away so everyone knows what’s up. It sends a signal that you know what’s going on in your office—don’t even try to have a meeting without me, sneak—and everyone will know it’s no accident when it happens again. Be up front. As my dad used to tell me, “Don’t let someone piss down your back and tell you it’s raining.”

  Make sure you keep a record of everything in case you have to present the receipts! Mind your own receipts, too. There are too many electronic trails nowadays, so make sure you’re not talking on some instant messenger, thinking you’re cute bitching about a coworker. Don’t email or text anything you wouldn’t be comfortable with your boss seeing.

  If you have to go to your boss about a coworker, do not make it their problem to solve. Then guess who’s the face of the problem? You. Now, you and I know the reason you are going to your boss is to put them on notice that your coworker
is a trick bag ho who doesn’t like you. But you can’t say that. You can say, “Hey, I don’t want to make this your problem, but this person’s actions are affecting the work flow here.” Use concrete examples and don’t make it personal. For heaven’s sake, don’t say, “They go or I go.” First off, giving a boss an ultimatum is never smart. Second, it’s hard work firing someone. If you’re offering to politely walk yourself out the door to solve the issue with no confrontation for them, your boss just might take you up on that offer.

  As you work out what you’re going to say, also think about what will happen after you leave your boss’s office. The goal should be that your coworker will now be held accountable for their negative actions. If you just vented about someone, your boss might say, “Well, that was a waste of ten minutes.” If you got dramatic, your boss is going to wonder how any work is getting done. But if you play it right, stay professional, and keep it about business, the boss will say, “That person managed the situation.”

  Because in the end, a boss has to care about the company first, and you’re maybe somewhere down the list. Make it about helping the business run smoothly, not your life.

  4. Sometimes even your family needs the long-handled spoon.

  Look, I love my family. I am blessed to have them in my life. But we all know that sometimes when you love someone so deeply, they can hurt you or distract you without meaning to. So now and then you have to treat people with the long-handled spoon. It’s an old phrase that means that every once in a while you need to keep your distance a little.

  I know a lot of people have small mother-daughter conflicts, and of course I am no different, Everlyena and I are human. She can be my hero and still be human. For a long time, I think she feared that I would become full of myself. She worried that success would make me arrogant or forget to thank the Lord for the blessings He has given me. To keep me humble, she didn’t celebrate my achievements in high school. When my team won the city championship, she wasn’t even there. My dad cheered double on her behalf.

  I resented it for a long time. When my career was really getting super hot, she went through a phase of saying, “Don’t be gettin’ on that high horse.” Well, I kind of earned that high horse. I was proud to be up there, and I wanted to extend my hand to bring her up there with me. And I felt she batted it away.

  I would ask her if she saw something of mine on TV, and she would offer a vague “If you don’t call and tell me it’s on…” I just wanted her to say she saw it and I was pretty. Or I would send her clothing from a shopping spree because she won’t go shopping herself.

  “Mom, did you get the outfits I sent?”

  “Yeah, I got ’em, but some of them things … Uh, I don’t know.”

  She didn’t know then that what I craved so much, all my life really, was simply her approval. A few years back, I learned to stop looking for that from her. If she said she was proud of me, it was because she truly was, not because I badgered it out of her. The long handle of the spoon gave me perspective. Our relationship improved.

  The long-handled spoon goes both ways, mind you. Sometimes we have to step back and say, “You know, I am not going to tell you how to live your life.” My dad and I were incredibly close. He saw everything I did, and he told me all the time how proud he was to be my father. “That’s my baby,” he said. “I watched you, you’re looking good.”

  His health was not great as I wrote the book. I visited him because I was concerned that he was becoming isolated with his wife. He wasn’t reaching out to us Fox kids. But when I saw how much he depended on her, truly wanted her to be at his side in a time of crisis, I realized I had to respect that. I selfishly wanted to be the one to help him, and if it couldn’t be me, then I felt damn sure it should have been a Fox kid. I had to get over it and show how much I loved him by respecting whom he loved.

  Step back and examine your family relationships. If expecting them to change isn’t working, try changing your expectations.

  5. Be woman enough to apologize.

  I am the first to admit I am not perfect. I once had to ask the forgiveness of two friends who I had flat-out wronged. It happened when I got caught up in the dreaded best friend contest. It’s when your girlfriends fight over who is closer to you. As a celebrity, I am particularly vulnerable to it. But then I did it myself!

  At the time my girlfriend Azja was starting this thing with a weight-loss company just as she got a new boyfriend. She was busy with both all the time, and I insecurely felt like I was losing her. I complained about it to my dear friend Jazsmin, who sympathized.

  Then one night, maybe after a glass of wine—okay, definitely after a glass of wine—I went on Instagram and saw a picture of them together. Azja wrote, “My new client!” I got into my feelings. I had it in my fool head that Jazsmin was somehow cheating on me by helping with this business.

  I wrote a scathing email. A truly ugly letter talking about how I had connected them in the first place and asking them why they were going behind my back. I have to own that regret, and I got what I deserved. They didn’t speak to me for a full year. I continually apologized and the response was, “Nope, not accepted.”

  When I lost that friendship, I made a promise to myself that if I ever found myself feeling a certain kind of way about a friend, I would say, “Hey, let’s talk about this. This is how you’re making me feel.” Because there’s two sides to every story. Maybe it wasn’t that person’s intention to make you feel that way or to hurt your feelings. And maybe that day you were hypersensitive and didn’t have the right perspective.

  They finally accepted my apology, and I accepted the lesson that came with saying I was wrong. I just didn’t understand that new chapter for Azja. Now she’s engaged and I love her fiancé. They are going to have a wonderful life together. But I made it about me losing her. I was too in her business. You’ve got to let your friends grow. Never say, “My way or the highway,” because that doesn’t make you a good friend.

  PART THREE

  A TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE TO THE HEART

  LESSON NINE

  IF YOU CHASE THAT WEDDING RING, YOU’RE GONNA TRIP

  Here’s a really bad reason to get married: because everyone else is doing it. I know that’s why I did it. It seems like a blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to a lot of people now, but in 1998 I went into a four-year union that I had no business going into. I got married out of peer pressure and because I thought that was the next thing on the checklist of what it means to be a successful woman. I didn’t take time to get to know him.

  Let me take you back to December 19, 1996. I had just wrapped Soul Food, which we shot primarily in Chicago, and I was so happy to be back in warm, beautiful Los Angeles. My girls wanted to go out to celebrate my homecoming, so we headed to Bar One nightclub in Beverly Hills.

  The girls and me were hanging and catching up on the various story lines of each other’s lives when this six-foot-nine guy comes up to us.

  “Are you Vivica Fox?”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “Wow,” he said, “you’re even better-looking in person.”

  Oh, vanity. I fell for it, but I’m a girl’s girl, and I didn’t want a guy to get in the way of a ladies’ night.

  “You’re a warm brother,” I said, “but I have to go.”

  I took the girls out onto the dance floor like we had an important meeting or I was Cinderella. As I was dancing, I’d sneak looks—he kind of stood out with that height—and the guy wasn’t budging.

  My friends wanted to get drinks, so I went back to the bar, purposefully not looking his way. He left and I thought, Fool, you played yourself playing hard to get. But he came back. He bought twenty roses from one of those flower guys who hang outside clubs. Some other guys started trying to talk to me, but he hung in, just handing me these twenty roses, one by one. It had been so long since I had been wooed. It worked.

  I let him move in to my house four months later. I was truly in love. He proposed one year to the
day that we met, December 19. I had been chasing that ring, honey, and I expected it for sure.

  The night of the proposal he took me out to dinner and, oh, that meal was the worst. The whole time at the restaurant, there was me expecting him to take a knee at any moment. Every time a waiter brought a glass or a dish, I’d look for a ring. By the time we got in the car, I’d gone through all the stages of grief in my head: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

  Oh well, I thought as I looked in my reflection in the passenger-side window, maybe I’m expecting too much.

  We got home and I saw the place was filled with roses and candles. He had asked my assistant to decorate the house with roses and scented candles while we went out to dinner. He got down on one knee and presented the ring. I was crying so much that I had to blink my eyes at the ring in the candlelight. I couldn’t see straight!

  “What color is it?” I yelled, squinting. “You know I don’t like gold!”

  He laughed, thank God. “It’s platinum,” he said. “Your favorite.”

  I checked the box marked “Get an engagement ring” on my list of life goals. Then I got started on the next to-do I thought I was supposed to fulfill: plan a dream wedding that wows everyone.

  We had our wedding exactly one year later, keeping our devotion to good old December 19. I had it at the Park Plaza in Los Angeles, an Art Deco palace used as a film set for old-Hollywood-type movies and as a venue by brides who want an over-the-top Cinderella wedding. Guilty as charged.

  I really went for it. I even arrived in a horse-drawn carriage decorated with flowers and white organza and sparkling little lights. A paparazzo falling out of a tree delayed my big entrance. Someone freaked and called an ambulance, but he was okay.